This past week was a lot of walking. My Monday was a mess and I'm nervous because I wanted to be better with classroom environment by the time of my next observation. However, it actually seems worse and I can't seem to clamp down on the noise or the homework or anything. So I asked the assistant field director to come to one class in particular where students stand by the door when class is nearly over and students sometimes stand up and stretch in obvious defiance of me before slowly sitting down.

So teaching was rough, on Thursday, the school held its annual long walk. I was told to come to the school at 7:30AM. When I arrived, I was asked which class I was with. I had no idea and said "I was just told to be here at 7:30" and they told me to go find grade 7, class 13. In the end, a very kind English teacher walked me over to a class where the head teacher was their English teacher so I got to walk with class 8 for 33km (though the little passport we had to carry and get stamped at various checkpoints said 38). We talked, we ran, we snacked, we listened to music, I talked to the teacher some, and after a long sweaty, at times frustrating, walk in which we were accompanied by parent volunteers, staff, a mobile toilet truck, and water stations all along the way,we finally arrived at Fantawild, the amusement park here in Northern Zhuzhou. 

I think we stayed here for about an hour to rest, eat lunch, say hi to friends, take pictures, and get harassed by giant candy canes on stilts and a few clowns. Class 2 asked if I liked them because they're head teacher had told told them that I didn't. I said I liked them, just not the noise I deal with everyday. I wonder if that's part of the problem. We walked another three hours where there were buses for each class waiting and rode back to JingYan. I was sore, and didn't want to walk anymore but somehow made it back home and up all 6 flights of stairs to get to my apartment. Then I realized I didn't have much to eat and debated going out to get a foot soak. I just got some hot and sour noodles and sat with as much cushioning for my feet as possible. On Friday, the students had some event going on so we had no classes. I rested, cleaned around the apartment a bit, took a nap, listened to the Sporkful as they discussed the best way to make bacon and oreos (Do you put the bacon inside? Oreos on a plate with bacon to make a smiley face? Do you wrap the oreo in bacon? Maybe you wrap the oreo in bacon and then deep fry them both.), did laundry, read, worried about the flight I booked to Japan (because I requested a refund online but sense that I may need to call to clarify things because nothing's happened), sent my resume to a woman I knew was looking for English teachers in Zhuzhou (but now have to give her more information about myself and proof of my education), and didn't do much otherwise. I was pleasantly surprised to find that my feet aren't too sore the day after. Then again, I went to bed pretty early so I wasn't standing on them for at least 8 hours.

It was pretty satisfying to see how happy my students were when I remembered names and when I asked why class 8 always answers my questions with "Zombie-pig-man":
"Teacher, do you like zombie pig man?"
"I don't know him. I just hear about him every time I come to your class."
"Oh."
But they giggled and talked about him anyway. It's good. This class has gotten so much better over the course of the year and it was great to catch up with them. I can't wait to see them on Monday.

I know I'd said I'd write about Hengshan and I will soon. But between the mountain and Fantawild I'm a little worn out. Thankfully, I walk everywhere anyway partly just to see what's out on the streets. I'm used to walking for hours, but the difference is I don't normally do more than say, 2 or 3 hours at a go. And usually within the same radius around my apartment: the exit/entry bureau, the Xiang River, the park,the school, roast duck stalls, the big shopping street near the train station...So I just told myself not to think about time or distance and to just keep moving and that seemed to work pretty well for me. The hard part was when one student kept telling me I looked terrible and asked if I was tired. I had to keep moving or go crazy while remembering she was just trying to be nice.

So my field director finally made it out to observe both me and my site mate this past week. I've been trying to be tough and enforce my rules strongly so that I wouldn't have too many problems but that was all a crazy dream I guess...long story short, even if I am very good at breaking down difficult things, testing for comprehension, guiding students through practice exercises and finally bringing them to an independent activity where they can be creative, my classroom management is lousy. I need to be consistent with my rules and truly demand respect as I ask for in my class rules. I need to not only say "follow my rules" but provide a means of immediate feedback and show them that I am willing to follow through on what I say. Unfortunately, my red and yellow cards somehow went missing so I was unable to card students who were misbehaving later in the week. I guess that one class must still have them so I need to make new ones or something. It was awful. People are saying I shouldn't be so hard on myself, but I've found I need to stop listening to that. I was right before when I said I did not have the classroom I needed and now I've paid for it both in failing to keep an orderly and safe classroom and in embarrassing myself in front of my field director who proceeded to ask me questions about the noise level of all my classes (they are all noisy, but they are nothing like what I saw when he observed me) and I am all too aware that he could have really dug into me but I think his professionalism restrained him from doing so. Other teachers have assigned me assistants to do the points themselves because I'm terrible at rewarding students properly, being consistent, and working hard to keep students in line. It really really hurts but I got what I deserved for not being that authoritative figure (authoritative is not the same as authoritarian by the way, authoritative figures are demanding, but they give reasons for being demanding and are warm while authoritarian figures demand obedience without warmth). I NEED to be that teacher and right now I am not. This is an urgent thing that I must take care of and it surprises me that so many tell me to relax about it. But my field director was right: I need to be assertive and demand the respect that is mine and my students'. I am a teacher and should be treated as any other teacher here, and my students need to not only learn but have somewhere safe and orderly to learn, not the madness I witnessed on Wednesday and failed to properly address. There are no excuses for this. These are supposed to be the things that I am trained to address and I have not done so as I was trained to do.


While others think this is forgiveable for a new teacher, I do not find this forgiveable. When my students do not respect me and do not respect each other, I am not respecting their potential and their ability to do what they do for every other teacher. In the grand scheme of things, what I ask for is small and I refuse to spend anymore time listening to people who say I am too anxious and I need to just "chill out". If this is about my confidence issues, then starting now I will tell you that I've learned that I have clearer vision than I gave myself credit for and a much better understanding of where I should be than others have given me credit for. Call it intense and crazy, but I read once that lying about your strengths is still lying. I can see what I need to do and who I need to be, it's part of the job and self-awareness has always been one of my strengths. It's what allows me to see and admit that I have work to do here instead of feeling like it's "close enough". My job is to put as many things in place as I can to discourage disrespectful behavior though inevitably students will have bad days for all kinds of reasons. I am angry, but not at them and not at my field director. I am angry with myself but I also know that barb inside of me is what will push me to demand what they are capable of. They know I am kind and willing to share what I know already. Someone talked before about how my students love me, but though love and respect go hand in hand they are not the same thing and I can probably say some students have lost a lot of respect for me because I have not been the person I need to be. No more. I am laying it down clearly next class and asking for the same treatment they give their other teachers.

So I get paid tomorrow and I'm really excited. I didn't save as much as I meant too, but I did manage to hold onto a little over 20% of what I earned. I already have a sheet of paper with some projected expenses for food, an air filter for winter, and a remote for powerpoint presentations. As of right now, I have a pretty sizeable sum left that has not been allotted to any expense or saving (unless I go to Changsha for Thanksgiving which I've heard is pretty expensive) so I'm feeling pretty good about possibly saving even more this next month.

The hard times have continued too. On Thursday, I didn't have any classes due to an exam that the 9th graders had to take this past week. So I was sleeping in pretty late (around 11:00AM) when I heard a clicking sound coming from my door. Thinking that the door should not be clicking unless I was unlocking it, I walked over in my pajamas and arrived in time to see my door open and a pair of big eyes (whether they were actually big or seeing someone not really dressed and standing in the dark and reaching for the door handle was a complete shock that made his eyes big, I'm not sure) looking in. I responded pretty quickly: I shut the door in his face, pulled the handle up to lock the door again, found that I hadn't used the second lock and turned that too since he had clearly gotten past the first lock, and went to get changed so that I could walk outside and inspect the lock for any scratches or something that could tell me if I had been careless the night before and simply forgot to lock it (and if someone happened to think my room was someone else's and accidentally let themselves in). However, when I came back I found that I couldn't get the door open. No matter how many different ways I played with the lock, I wasn't able to move it. So I messaged my liaison and sent an email to the field director so that they knew about the situation. My liaison got help right away. I wasn't locked into my apartment anymore than an hour when the locksmith got through and spoke to me with the help of another teacher from my school. Then I had to stick around so that I could give the police a report a little while later. I was given a demonstration of how to lock my door, which was well-intentioned but still kind of stung after going through that incident.

I've played through that day a few times in my head since. I keep asking myself if the door was actually locked, but since the I got up as a result of hearing something at the door my guess is that it was locked and the guy was working away at the lock. My guess is also that when I shut the door, whatever he used to work through the lock got stuck in there and made it hard to for the mechanisms to work properly. I can also say that making sure I had used the second lock falls on me, though even if the door didn't open I'd probably have to report an attempted entry. From what I understand, this kind of thing is relatively rare but since we had a previous incident that was very similar to mine about a month ago, there are a lot of questions about whether the foreign teachers should be moved, if the school can get double doors and security cameras installed in addition to the newly installed gate we got after the last incident. I hate the idea of moving, but I might not have a choice if it's for our safety.

Adding to all this, I tried to find one of the English teachers to ask for Chinese lessons but either he changed his schedule for the day or he's caught up in something I don't know about. I'm sure he's busy and has a load of things to take care of, so I didn't push too hard. But then he passed by my classroom during a particularly noisy moment and looked at me. So I feel really embarrassed about what a colleague I respect a lot must think of how well I do my job, and how that might affect my asking for Chinese lessons from someone who already has a teaching job and a lot of work to do. One of the head teachers offered an assistant in one of my other classes too, which was actually ironic given that the class she was talking about is really well behaved.

Anyway, I've been stressed but I have to be ready for my classes tomorrow especially since it's Saturday. Students are usually a little wilder when they've only had one day for their weekend. Which is pretty understandable for a bunch of 13-year olds.

For at least two Fridays in a row now, I've had this one boy come up to me after class and tell me he hopes to speak better English. I usually respond by saying I hope to be a better English teacher. He grins and tells me, "You will be". These kids have already stolen my heart but it's this one little exchange in particular that I think about after a day of feeling very tired. I'm happy to see my lively students but exhausted from being that articulate, energetic teacher they see once every week. It's this exchange that makes me think about how to be the teacher these kids deserve as I go home for the day, what more I can give them, how to better bridge where they're at with where I want them to be, and just generally warms me to think that I have such awesome students who are growing with me. Do I have to shake them awake sometimes after a hard day? Yeah. Do I have to push a little to get everyone's attention? Yes. Is it tiring to stay up all night making big colorful posters, lesson plans, and monthly and term-long plans so I can be sure my students will have the foundation they need for the next activity I have planned? Yes, but every time I see them light up with something as small as waving Homer Simpson's face around in the front of the classroom or teaching them the English names for the cartoons they recognize I remember how it's so, so worth it.

I asked "Jim" (my motivated student) what he wanted to know about English or learn about English. He seemed unsure about how to say what he wanted or maybe my question was too broad, or maybe the possible answers are too broad and difficult to articulate given that I'm the one teaching him what I know about my native tongue and the place I grew up. I'll give him some time to come back with an answer. I'd love to get more input from my students about the things they want from my class, I can see how hard they work to understand me whenever they pull out their books and turn to the index or the dictionary. At first I forbid myself from using Chinese, but now that I understand the level that they are at, I understand that what few bilingual instructions I can give are actually very much appreciated and I have more students speaking to me now that they've heard my bad Chinese. I still limit my Chinese a lot and I hope to use less in the classroom as time goes on, especially since it's always so thrilling to hear them speak a little more. Here, teachers go up a grade along with the students they teach. I sometimes think that I wouldn't mind staying if it meant I could follow them for another year, continue answering their questions,  andlet them see what their capable of with each activity. I've built my lesson plans this month primarily to ensure my students would be able to understand most of  the song "This is Halloween"  because there are few things I want more than to say "Look, you say you are not very good, but you understood a song in English!"

They are worth every late night, hours of marker fumes and scouring books for grammar and vocabulary that are new and provide new challenges but are not impossible to achieve. I really hope I can get a solid collection of Playaway devices set up in a secure space so that my students always have the option of not only reading, but hearing English spoken by someone other than myself. I'd give them the world if I could, but I am a limited human being and they are middle schoolers with many other things to learn still.

This past week my students got a surprise: their teacher knows a little Chinese and can communicate a little bit with them when they are confused. I've been really reluctant to bring Chinese into the classroom, and I'm still not sure how I feel about it but I want to limit my Chinese as much as possible. 

I finally sat in and observed one of the other English teachers at work. I always hear him in my office I know we share classes so I wanted to see what they knew and how classroom procedures were with Chinese teachers. I was hoping to be able to just turn invisible in the back of the classroom, but he had them all greet me and my site mate before he started class. He was very clear and well-paced. Either today was a review day or I have been moving too fast with my lessons. I tried to get them to talk about phone numbers for my second week of classes but today I heard them go through a listening exercise involving phone numbers. So I guess I have thrown too much at them. Since the National Week holiday is on its way soon, I think this next week will just be a recap of what we have done. I'll teach them about Jeopardy or something so we can play a review game, reinforce what they're learning, and maybe make my students feel less lost or overwhelmed. I could do a better job of teaching. That's why it surprised me so much when my colleague asked me if I had any feedback or comments. He's been teaching for about 4 months, if you count my one week of practicum, I've been doing this for about 5 weeks. He is definitely senior to me, and his lesson was very clear to me as someone who only speaks a little Chinese. Also, I now know where my students learned to say "You are cute". I'm not totally sure, but given that I heard my name in class a few times, I think he told them to say it to their foreign teachers and ask us about our first and last names. I can only guess from their giggling. And the fact that my name came shortly after the words "You are cute".

I felt bad for distracting them too, I had to keep pointing forward so they would pay attention. They're so peaceful in their other English class, but then again, I'm the crazy foreign teacher, the fun teacher, and I teach the one thing that's not on the gaokao. This means that I have both very energetic and enthusiastic students and students who don't care as much because English is already difficult and oral English is not part of the national exam. I have had to tell students repeatedly to put things back in their desks. I could be tougher, but I'd like to emphasize to my students that they decide their grades and choose their own behavior and consequences. That and knowing how much work they have, I'm not sure I am comfortable taking away their textbooks. Simply tapping their desks, looking at them until they focus, or motioning that they should put it back in their desk seems to be sufficient for keeping them alert all period. Especially this week. I had a lot of difficult behavior this week, but also a lot of participation due to my friend, the donut. This is really what drove participation this past week. Part of how I get around oddly pigmented powerpoints or computers that don't work is by drawing, coloring, cutting, and laminating (with tape) different objects. Not only can my students see what I am talking about, but they can hold them and they love that I bring these brightly colored things into their classes.

This has probably been my toughest week so far when it comes to fighting, crying, and getting students to pay attention. I found my wireless mouse so that will have to serve as my powerpoint clicker until I find one here. I need to circulate more so I can better control my classroom. I don't want anymore crying students, no more fights (even before class has started), and no other work in my class. I nearly gave one student a heart attack when I saw she wasn't paying attention so I slapped my paper doughnut on her desk and asked the class if it was "His or hers?" I can't remember what she was doing but she was clutching her chest so I asked if she was OK. I wanted her to pay attention, but not freak out like that. Oops.

I'm sorry for not having photos as I originally intended, but I'm not comfortable bringing my camera into class. I'm sure my students would love photos, but I'm waiting until the end of the year for that. I also haven't traveled much so while I can easily get a few shots of things around my apartment without worrying about privacy or other issues, I really don't have much to show. I can tell you that there's a lot of building going on around me and I wonder if that contributes to the dust I see everywhere. I still haven't gone back behind my building enough to know if the Sheraton is in progress or if the sign near me is to let people know that a Sheraton is coming. But I think it's one of the signs of how much Zhuzhou is growing, changing, and opening up to the rest of the world: not only is this a hotel chain recognized abroad but that there are hotels here means that people not from Zhuzhou are coming to visit and take part in business or tourism.

I think I'm going to end here for today as I'm still fighting off something, need to get dinner going, and have to teach class on Sunday since the National Week break has changed my schedule somewhat. That and I'm going to an event held by the Zhuzhou govt. especially for foreigners and it will be a nicer event. I want to be at my best for that. There's a lot of schedule shuffling going on and it's made harder by the fact that as the foreign teacher who can't speak Chinese, I need to rely on my liaison to give me the information I need. I can't just attend meetings like the other teachers and get information about what's coming up. I wish I could, I'd love to be more involved as a real teacher would be, but that's not how I figure into the system at the moment. If at the very least I can get my students to say more than "Hello my name is", "I'm fine thanks. And you?", and "Good morning/afternoon" then I will be happy. I'll be happiest when I introduce them to a song or something and then I can tell them at the end of class that they now understand a song in English. That will be a source of pride for me if I can show them what they are capable of.

So I relaxed on Monday for the most part. I went to this two floor shopping center where they not only carry tons of stationery, books, and maps but have a number of instruments as well. So now I know where to go for my violin as well as any supply needs I have. I just have to test them out and decide if I want a traditional one or a blue one. They sell guitars and erhus as well. I think it's funny that every stationery shop I've been into sells recorders as well. Maybe some schools require it?

I also got a lot of mooncakes. I bought 4 at Metro before leaving Changsha, then another three from a work colleague who really loves English literature and was talking to me about how Mark Twain and Jack London are popular in China. I've heard that The Great Gatsby and Catcher in the Rye are becoming very popular now too. I'm brainstorming English books I could donate to the school. I've also heard that there's some program that gave a couple funding to start a "Wai-Brary", a library of foreign books. I might apply for that and see if I can get something going for my school or for the area. I think it'd be cool to get my students more involved with something like comic books since they can read but also see what's going on if they don't understand. Given that I teach Junior 1 students who are at a pretty basic level, I would like to offer books at a variety of levels. The Great Gatsby might be hard if all you know are numbers, colors, and "I'm fine, thanks. And you?" I have Shel Silverstein's The Giving Tree  as well as other books on my list right now. I would just really love it if my students had more opportunities to use their English than reciting in class. I told them that there are many ways to use English. More than for a test, if you understand English you can make friends who speak English, play games in English, read books in English, and watch movies in English. In this way, you have more to see and your world gets bigger. I haven't mentioned the independence you get as you get better, but that may be learned in time.

Oh, and in all this brainstorming I forgot to mention that I received another 6 mooncakes from the school. I can only eat so many!

This past week just flew by. We had Monday off for the Mid-Autumn festival, but then we also had a half day on Wednesday for Teachers' Day. I received candy and flowers from my students in class 6. A class of good kids who sometimes challenge me, but I know they're all really excited and often at very different levels of English. I have to try hard to not only keep them quiet and listening, but to scaffold what I teach so everyone can participate. I think my lesson this week intimidated some students and confused a lot. I told them to write a conversation together in which they had to ask each other their names, their hobbies, and their phone numbers since they're learning about introductions, greetings, and phone numbers this week. I don't think I really have their attention until I get to the slide with Taylor Swift and Lebron. Then I practically have students falling out of their seats in excitement. Note to self: pop culture references keep their eyes up front but I still need to quiet them.


I usually wrap up class with a review of what we did and learned today as well as a review of the class points and how well behaved everyone was. Then I give them a preview of the next lesson. They're going to start learning about families next week and I thought that it would be a good opportunity to incorporate some American TV since there are so many shows that revolve around families. I had pictures of the Addams family on the last slide and the Simpsons. No one responded to the Addams Family, but judging from the excited screams the Simpsons are popular in China. So I guess I'll have them making a family tree using the Simpsons next week or something similar. I have to figure out how to lead them into a speaking activity though. It seems like it'll be a fun day if they're already excited. I'm trying to think of how I can bring a simple song into the class as well though that will be a separate lesson. I had a number of students tell me they really want to learn and that they're really interested in the language and culture. I'm two weeks in and already really love my students. I just wish I could get to know them all but it's nearly impossible when I have 13 classes a week of about 55-60 students in each class. And getting them to behave is sometimes difficult. I hear talking, but sometimes the talking is so that other students know what I'm trying to teach them. I get to be the fun teacher, which means in some ways I have to be tougher to control my students but also means I have a lot of room to win my students over with my lessons.

It's only week one and I'm really tired! On Wednesday, I had 3 classes that were all back to back. I had more time to get to my last one because the students had to do eye exercises for 5 minutes in addition to the ten minute break between classes. I have now introduced myself as Teacher Chicken 13 times over as my name sounds like ji1 (鸡) which means chicken. I intend to use this to my full advantage if it means that everyone pays attention in class. I have surprised my classes everytime I say I am from America. They don't seem to understand me the first time, because whenever I just let my students ask me questions about myself, they still ask and sound really surprised. I've also found that if I write California on the board, I don't necessarily get a big response. If I draw California on the board, my students start yelling "It's a boot!" If I say and write Disneyland, they look really confused or don't respond. If I draw a Mickey Mouse head, they totally know who that is and how to spell his name. I feel like I'm either too fast or too slow. I saved myself a lot of time the other day when I didn't offer English names, and no one said anything. All my other classes have told me when they do not have English names, but now I'm afraid that I just have a bag full of Chinese names with "no English name" written on them. I guess I'll just have to give them names myself. It's funny too, everytime I want them to fill out name cards with their Chinese, Pinyin, and English names, I give them an example using my own name in Chinese and English. This means that every class I either have students applauding me for my bad handwriting in Chinese or sounding my name out once they see it. Which is fine, they're curious, but I still need to make sure they understand and follow my directions. I'm afraid that not everyone understands what my yellow and red cards are for or how my rules all work so I have to make them even simpler. I need to review all these things with them again next week. Hearing students yell "Football!" when I raise my cards and ask them about the rules tells me I need to be more clear, but I also feel that I can push my students more than I've been told. They definitely know more than what is in the textbook if they can ask me how heavy I am. 

The teachers here are very willing to help me with just about anything. I have been observed a lot of times and get a little more advice to think about everyday. Hopefully, it will really go well next week when I am back from my three day weekend for the Moon Festival and have my materials ready to go as well as a lesson plan related to what the students are learning that week.  My school has taken very good care of me and I want to get better everyday so that I can return the favor by teaching my students to be more confident speakers. Sometimes I realize I've made things harder for myself than perhaps they should be, but I also know that once I say something I need to fulfill anything I say. The students are supposed to be going over greetings, introductions, and telephone numbers this next week. I'm trying to find a song or a video clip I can use in addition to teaching them to say more than "I'm fine, thanks. And you?" which is the standard answer you will receive if you ask students how they are.


I am not wholly comfortable taking photos at school, but I wish I could show you all what our school's opening ceremony is like. I've never seen anything like it at an American school. All the students and teachers came outside and assembled for announcements. They all had to face forward in lines and there was this large inflatable arch with dragons on top for the school year beginning in 2014. There was some singing too. Very different from my own experience of middle and high school.

Anyway, it's been tiring, but I don't feel it when I'm in the classroom for the most part. I just get in there and focus on the materials I need to cover and the information I need from them. I'm looking forward to going down the street and checking out this small area filled with calligraphy, brushes, carved gods, and jade jewelry. I found that they have a couple of places selling name chops in there and I really want one. If not for keeping track of my students participation and points, then at least for myself as a reminder of my time here. It would certainly be more unique than other things I might get here.

So I made it through my final day of practicum. It could have been better, but it wasn't the worst day I had either. The first day was really rough. The projector stopped working so I had a little improv to do. It worked. I even got one of the boys in the back to read me his story about aliens and not finding good Chinese food. It was really exciting to see that though I should have done a little more to make sure everyone was working on the assignment and that the assignment was understood. Some students seemed lost until I told them "Once upon a time" was a good way to start a story. Not going to lie, they were all adorable. They stressed me out and brought me out to feeling like I really wanted to reach all of them because I know they are good kids. It made me so happy to see people volunteering who were not the girls in the front. I know they are all smart and capable so I always feel frustrated when I can't reach all of them. I realize that's a tall order when I'm leading large classes 16 times a week but all the same I want to know and I want my students to know that they can do it.

It was actually really funny when the projector wasn't working and our field director stepped in to help. All the girls in the front row got really excited about being close to him.

Basically, I got a crash course in how difficult and rewarding this next year will be. I doubted myself before, but my goal for everyday will be to reach everyone. I only had my students for a week but I really liked them. Even the "difficult" students are really good kids and often just didn't understand what was going on because I asked them to do something very difficult. They were really adorable and really were doing their best to improve their English. It's just that sometimes they were afraid to make mistakes or were intimidated. I used to be the really quiet kid in class so I can understand. Hopefully my own middle and high school experiences can help me with my students since I know how perfectionism can freeze someone who wants to do everything well and be the absolute best all the time. I will miss my students sorely but I am looking forward to working with my students in Zhuzhou soon!

Well, after yesterday's disaster I did much better today though I still feel I have a lot to improve upon. I'm struggling to involve everyone and to not go through material so fast. I ended too early again today and played hangman with my students using the words we covered in my lesson about mysteries. However, I found out that this made things too easy for them since they counted out how many letters there were and just guessed the word based on that. They didn't even guess letters and just went straight for the throat. Wanting to involve as many as possible, I decided to institute a few rules: I will only take guesses involving letters until we have half the word figured out and instead of volunteering I drew names from the name bag. I even got one of my really shy students to give me a few letters today. I'm so afraid that I'm just picking on him all class because I really want him to be involved but getting him to respond is hard. It's less scary when you're with a partner or a group so I'm planning on doing more small group activities to ensure he works with me. I'm still struggling with the final culminating activity I want at the end of class, but I think I have it down for tomorrow.

I haven't been observed by the field directors yet so I'm nervous for when that happens, though there isn't much I can do by that point except what I planned for class so I guess I can't be too nervous. I felt awful after yesterday, but can you imagine if I didn't have this experience right now before walking into a much bigger classroom? And for 16 times a week? Instead of feeling terrible about confusing 26 ESL students I'd really feel bad about misleading and confusing 600 students! I feel like I'm learning to incorporate more and more everyday as I make my mistakes and try to adjust myself for what feels like a wide range of English skills for one class. I only have them until Friday, so I guess I shouldn't take it too hard but I still want to do well and ensure my students are learning. Only having them for a week is not an excuse.

So we've just completed our first day of practicum. In some ways, it's nice to have it over with. In other ways, I'm really depressed with how poorly I presented myself and managed the classroom. Yes, this period is about learning what it is like to be a teacher in a real classroom environment and I know that I shouldn't get too down about it. But I can't shake the feeling that I've made every mistake we went over during training. And I have this cough now too that I've been trying to get rid of. I get really warm and then it fades and I feel fine again. I can't help wondering if I'm at all qualified to be here. I want to do this, and I want to do this well. That's why it hurts so much when I felt so ill-prepared and I realized that I ran through my lesson plan much too fast. Everyone's saying it's OK, it's still hard to forgive myself for inadequately addressing the differences in speaking proficiency, for finding a way to make shy students more comfortable, for being clearly nervous and at times coming off as hostile (I guess I rolled my eyes a few times but I didn't notice...). I'm just angry with myself and it's going to take some work to bring myself into my next lesson plan in a much better mood and more appropriately paced. Maybe it just wasn't fair to expect so much of myself on the first day. Maybe I should have rehearsed more. It could be worse I guess. After all, this is practicum so it is a time to be practicing before being released into our actual classrooms and to take in feedback and things we should address before leaving. No real rest period until Friday evening. I feel bad that I haven't gone out to KTV with everyone or bar hopping much but I didn't want to stay out all night or cut too much into time I could spend on my lessons. Maybe I have been overthinking some of my classroom objectives and assessments.

I decided to take this on because I felt that with my background and experiences (having been a foreign language student so many times over and going from language being a subject I did well to a tool that broadened my world and allowed me access to so many new friends and resources) I could take something I enjoyed and was interested in and help someone else. I've also wanted to see China for a long time. However, I also want to know that I have done my job and done it well. Looking at my confused students today really dealt me a blow and though I will go through with this because I have made this commitment, I've begun doubting myself. I just can't let that doubt show through tomorrow when I do this again...