Practicum Day 1

So we've just completed our first day of practicum. In some ways, it's nice to have it over with. In other ways, I'm really depressed with how poorly I presented myself and managed the classroom. Yes, this period is about learning what it is like to be a teacher in a real classroom environment and I know that I shouldn't get too down about it. But I can't shake the feeling that I've made every mistake we went over during training. And I have this cough now too that I've been trying to get rid of. I get really warm and then it fades and I feel fine again. I can't help wondering if I'm at all qualified to be here. I want to do this, and I want to do this well. That's why it hurts so much when I felt so ill-prepared and I realized that I ran through my lesson plan much too fast. Everyone's saying it's OK, it's still hard to forgive myself for inadequately addressing the differences in speaking proficiency, for finding a way to make shy students more comfortable, for being clearly nervous and at times coming off as hostile (I guess I rolled my eyes a few times but I didn't notice...). I'm just angry with myself and it's going to take some work to bring myself into my next lesson plan in a much better mood and more appropriately paced. Maybe it just wasn't fair to expect so much of myself on the first day. Maybe I should have rehearsed more. It could be worse I guess. After all, this is practicum so it is a time to be practicing before being released into our actual classrooms and to take in feedback and things we should address before leaving. No real rest period until Friday evening. I feel bad that I haven't gone out to KTV with everyone or bar hopping much but I didn't want to stay out all night or cut too much into time I could spend on my lessons. Maybe I have been overthinking some of my classroom objectives and assessments.

I decided to take this on because I felt that with my background and experiences (having been a foreign language student so many times over and going from language being a subject I did well to a tool that broadened my world and allowed me access to so many new friends and resources) I could take something I enjoyed and was interested in and help someone else. I've also wanted to see China for a long time. However, I also want to know that I have done my job and done it well. Looking at my confused students today really dealt me a blow and though I will go through with this because I have made this commitment, I've begun doubting myself. I just can't let that doubt show through tomorrow when I do this again...