Year in Review

It's my last week of school and things are winding down and leading into the next year. I'm finishing up all I need for my visa (I have to come back for orientation since WorldTeach is changing some things for next year, in some ways it's a pain but in other ways I'll know who's working in Hunan next year) and preparing to head out in a little over a week. I felt like I needed the break, but now that the time is approaching the feeling isn't quite as acute. Certain conveniences and frustrations seem to shrink away as I remember all the time I spent reading about China off and on since high school and how fascinating it was for me to go to different Chinese communities in Europe. It wasn't just that each country changed the context, it was also the differences rooted in the provinces people came from. London and its connections to Hong Kong, San Francisco and its connection to the Pearl River Delta, Milan and Zhejiang, Silicon Valley and Taiwan (I know there are more from the mainland in recent years). China is a weird place I came to for the first time just after college, but saw in flashes and never seem to have been completely away from to begin with. Which is a weird thing to say afer 4 years in Europe made me intially feel more Chinese, then very American. Especially on days when I walked around in a sweatshirt and jeans (which was often) surrounded by elegant Milanese women in capes or wraps, hats, and understated fine quality clothing (or occasionally a fur hat). I didn't grow up speaking Chinese, I'm at a remove from China generations and many changes later. Then of course, when I got here there was so much to see in provincial differences and the things that shaped everywhere I traveled. China has its frustrations, but exploring it and seeing its many facets makes up for it. A cheese sandwich and a whiskey is a short-lived pleasure in comparison to being in the homeland of Chan Buddhism, originator of tea, and a place that despite its changes of fortune throughout the years has exerted such strong influence culturally. I often think of ancient Rome's reach as a point of comparison.

Although I know by now that the best way to go ahead is to make no promises and hold no expectations (because that's the surest way to save yourself from disappointment and getting lost in "should be"s) I find myself mentally tracing out the cycles of reverse culture shock, what past experience has taught me about going back after being away. The familiar faces, the possibilities with the time laid out in front of you, the growing number of people you realize you need to see while you are back, the people who aren't there anymore, the things that happened while you were gone and the rhythms that everyone has fallen into that you seem to impose on, the frustration of not having your own apartment...the things that add up. It's no one's fault, it's just that everyone has lives to attend to and I know that I made my choice the first time I got onto a plane to Europe and again when I went to China.

Since I'm not leaving quite yet, I've been thinking of some of this year's highlights. These include:

• Buying two roses for someone (didn't quite realize he was joking until he went quiet when I actually brought them) but he was gone shortly after that. It was fun anyway.
• It was hard for me to adjust to 8th grade because I felt like I was in a good position to anticipate student level and needs but didn't wholly account for the changes they'd be facing. Hormones were wilder than last year, but their growing awareness also meant certain jokes went over better rather than flying over their heads.
• Finishing "Romance of the Three Kingdoms" early on in the year after a year of reading with a lot of breaks.
• Growing friendships, especially as my Chinese improved and I could navigate on my own more.
• I used to worry that I saw China through rose-colored lenses. This past year felt harder, but at least there's some solace in knowing that it's also part of adjusting to and seeing a place more fully. I'm also realizing I may have over-prepared the first year in anticipating how differently I'd be treated from other foreigners and then I got too comfortable by the second year. My site mate this year was more phenotypically what Chinese people think of when they think of Americans (though about a week into teaching here last year, I was bluntly told that the other teacher was more American and had more experience than me so it's not unique to this year).
• The "Gatsby bookshelf" at the nice restaurant/dessert bar next door. I was excited when I saw the shelves then discovered that none of the books were real and the topics and authors were a range of James Patterson, Garth Nix, Harvard Law, Trainspotting, Bob Marley, and other odd choices. With the fake radios, fake tv, the fake gramophones, the tiny Eiffel tower, the bikes, the saxophonist, the trains and cars on its shelves it often strikes me a space where all symbols of modernity have been compressed into neat boxes.
• I mastered chopsticks so that no one bothers telling me to "just get a spoon"
• Some of the other teachers and I have started bonding over a shared love of oolong. I wish they hadn't waited until so late in my time here but it's fun to talk about Tieguanyin and Da Hong Pao.
• I finally started tai chi lessons. I've almost finished learning the 24 movements in Yang style tai chi and my teacher has started talking about what we could learn next and the importance of not forgetting what we've covered. The idea that I might be learning Chen tai chi next year is really exciting. I'm hoping to set aside some time next year to stay at Wudangshan and study more.

Some of the rougher points of this year were the sense of frustration and I think even mild depression that would rise up and eat at me. There were times when I just didn't care about doing a decent job at all and couldn't see the point. I'd stay up all night, be exhausted the next day, feel useless and powerless despite knowing that if anyone is in power in the classroom, it should be me. I forgot how important it is to take care of yourself (not just what distracts you or makes you forget what you're here for, like the things you need to function normally like sleep, long walks, and just getting to work as soon as a problem presents itself instead of falling asleep again after sleeping at night and sleeping in the afternoon and sleeping in during the morning). Confidence and initiative, I thought I was doing better in those things but I guess I still have a ways to go. I might bring extra cocoa mix or something for the next bout of mild depression. And a lot of physical books. The ebooks are ok, but I don't remember them as well and it doesn't seem to bring the same satisfaction. Thankfully, Ella Maillart and Peter Fleming are waiting for me at home. I'll either have to hold off on them until I leave for China again or try really hard to drag them out. It's too easy for me to read a few hundred pages in a week. But those things are in the future still, and I have to be here for people and responsibilities that are here now. Each in its time, in its turn. This week I am my students' oral English teacher with all the responsibilities and madness that comes with that. Next week I am not, with the freedom of responsibilities and farewells that the end of the year entails. There's not much to do except take things as they come.